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When you're ready to give up

Jenny Flannagan photo Jenny Flannagan · 02 Nov, 2020

Jenny reimagines the experience of Elijah from the Bible, and explores what we do when we're at the end of our rope.

I was really done with it all. Done with people, done with this country, done with politics, done with God.

And I had some pretty good reasons. I didn't get to that place overnight. I didn't burnout quickly. I've walked a long road. I've walked a long, tough road.

When no one else wanted to believe anything, and it seemed like the whole world was falling apart. I held on to God, to what I thought God was saying, to what that meant I should do.

And I've seen beautiful things. I've seen life come into families, where there was death. I've seen that in communities. I've seen glory days when it felt like we were all united together, and all seeing things the way that they were, for what they really were. Seeing what needed to change, believing that they could change.

And then people just disappear. People become afraid, they just evaporate. And it feels like all that matters is who has the power.

And when no one, and I mean no one, was standing up for anything, I have stood up. I have been that person, I have called out corruption, and hypocrisy, and evil. I haven't let go of the things that I believe to be right. I haven't let go of the things I think God has spoken. I have been faithful. I have been honest. I stuck it out, but it feels like nothing changes, and it's all a waste. And I don't know what I've done any of it for, and I'm just tired.

No one cared. No one wanted to find a way back to God, a way to something different. No one remembered anything. It meant nothing. And they turned on me.

So I was done. I left, I ran away. It was all over for me. I was too tired, too demoralised, too disappointed, too angry.

And honestly, I laid down, and I wanted to die. I prayed that I would die, but I didn't.

Instead, what I felt was the kindness of God. I was brought food and sleep. I rested. There was no more work I had to do. There was nothing else to carry. I just felt the kindness of God.


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